Through our Center for Relationship Development we have helped
coordinate thousands of marriage mentoring relationships over the
years and we know firsthand how beneficial this relationship can be.
We've heard countless stories. We've followed hundreds of these
relationships. And we've come to a conclusion: there is no single way
to be a marriage mentor; every mentoring relationship takes on its own
personality. Yet the variance in these relationships still operates
within certain parameters and that's what allows us to define our terms.
So here goes. We define a marriage mentor as a relatively happy, more experienced couple purposefully investing in another couple to effectively navigate a journey that they have already begun.
It is a broad definition because, as we just mentioned, there is
no one right way to mentor. Each mentoring relationship takes on its
own style. The amount of time couples spend together and the content
they discuss is personalized to that relationship. A marriage
mentoring relationship can be short term or long term. It can be
consistent and predictable or spontaneous and sporadic.
While every marriage mentoring relationship has its own style that
unfolds as the relationship develops, some potential confusion can be
spared if the mentors and mentorees discuss their initial expectations
of the relationship. This discussion, of course, necessitates the
mentoring couple to be somewhat clear on their own "style" before
meeting with the mentorees. For example, you may want to discuss
whether you see yourselves more as models or as coaches or as teachers
or as guides, and so on.
For now, here is a representative list of what a marriage mentor couple does. A marriage mentor couple:
- willingly shares what they know (in a noncompetitive way)
- represents skill, knowledge, virtue, and accomplishment because
- they have gone before the couple they are mentoring
- takes a personal and heartfelt interest in the other couple's development and well-being
- offers support, challenge, patience, and enthusiasm while guiding other couples to new levels of competence
- points the way and represents tangible evidence of what another couple can become
- exposes the recipients of their mentoring to new ideas, perspectives, and standards
- has more expertise in terms of knowledge yet views themselves as equal to those they mentor
The point is that each marriage mentor couple needs to consider
what it is that they want to bring to the mentoring relationship. This
means considering your two personalities and traits. Importantly, it
also means being clear about what your role as a mentor couple does not include.
